The Anvils, Booby Traps, and Car Explosions of Chivalry

So I've been thinking for the past few weeks...as I often do. Though, the thoughts I am about to unveil typically (though not always) come when I am holding the door open for a girl.

Why is it chivalrous for me hold a door open for a girl? What is the point of that? Is there some ancient tradition that I'm missing? Or is it simply common courtesy? 'Cause if so, then I'm not buying it. Oh and no, I don't have my receipt. Sorry.

Now, I'm not bashing chivalry in any sense, nor do I abhor courtesy. In fact I have often been criticized for being too courteous at times. There are those reading who are now laughing because they know me as a jerk (ass), and others who are nodding their heads because they themselves have said this to me. I do my best and try my hardest to be chivalrous and courteous to as many beautiful girls as I can, but I may have to stop following what we ideally see as "chivalry," and instead do the exact opposite.

Spitball with me for a second, because here is what I was thinking today when I held the door open for Hosanna and let her walk through first.

What the hell am I doing!? What if there is a booby trap on this door and I just killed her!

I pictured myself opening the door, she thanking me and walking through, and a giant anvil falling on her head! Then she died, and I felt really bad.

But of course this isn't the only type of booby trap that could have afflicted her today. What if when I opened the door (or let's say that I don't open the door and instead let her open the door and walk through, while I follow. I often do this because it is too awkward for me to maneuver in front and open the door) and then she walked through and a huge circle saw dropped down and cut her head off!

What am I to do then? "Oops. Sorry. I was just being courteous."

NO!

In this scenario it would be better for me to walk through the door first, let myself get destroyed by the anvil or decapitated by the saw, rather than let Hosanna die!

OR!

What if I take a girl out to dinner and I decide I should open my car door for her and wait for her to get in before I do (I did this for Angie Abbe after formal). Simple, right? Courteous, correct (alliteration rules)? NO!

What if one of my crazy roommates decided to play a little trick on me so that my car EXPLODES! the next time I get in it (haha, those crazy roommates of mine). And after I shut the door, before I get in, THE CAR BLOWS UP! and she dies! So sad.

Or a not too common chivalrous maneuver is to walk on the street side of the sidewalk. I've been told this is so if a car drives by and there is a puddle, the girl doesn't get wet.

BUT!

What if we're walking by a gas station and there are some very hot male models having a gasoline fight (as they often do), and one of them accidently lights a match (who can blame them?), then the entire gas station blows up, killing her, but because she was there, it saved me because the fire deflected around me! And she died. How terrible.

Well...at least she didn't get wet!

I am never letting a girl go through a door before me, letting her in my car first, or letting her walk on the gas station side of the sidewalk. She will be protected. Again, except from water.

FULL SCALE CENSORSHIP!

Well it's official.

I'm a writer.

That may sound a few years (like 22... no, 17... ok like 13) too late, but hear me out.

I now consider myself a true writer, because I have been officially censored. And not on a small scale either. It's not like "Oh Nathan, you can't say that word/sentence/paragraph. Silly writer..."

Nope this is a FULL SCALE CENSORSHIP!

And honestly, I'm proud of it all.

I tip my hat to Kelsey and Jeremy for helping me along, also I would like to thank McSweeney's, the Onion, and Mr. Twisselmann, my senior AP Lit teacher.

Honestly, those three groups helped me get to where I am, as a writer and as a censored writer.

(BTW Kelsey right now is shaking her head at me about how over dramatic I'm being about this, I don't care, I'm stoked!)

Here's the thing: I wrote last week about how I am in love with Swift's "A Modest Proposal" (still true, love that guy, love that essay), and a few months ago I thought it'd be fun to write an article in the same fashion as Swift. I had a great idea, a lot of satirical/sarcastic points to make, and the passion to pull it off.

So over the weekend I wrote out my article and text Kelse immediately to tell her how stoked I was about it, she said she was excited to read it.

Come Tuesday, I give her the article, she read it...

and she tells me we can't publish it.

Sigh.

Ok.

Kelse at first was unsure, but then Jeremy read it and enforced the idea and it was decided.

I was being censored.

Apparently the article attacks too much. Which for satire and our newspaper, and especially for the "Opinion" section is definitely a good thing, but as Jeremy said "It doesn't attack something bad, it just attacks laziness. It'd be more effective if it stung a little because what you're attacking is actually wrong." (no, that's not a direct quote, it's a paraphrase, see this is why I like blogs better than newspaper articles I can kind of make things up as I go along, AND I don't get censored).

So we talked for a bit and now I have a completely new idea for the article and it's better...I'm not going to say "a lot" better, but definitely a step up. For more information on the new article, please see the Hope International Tribune next Thursday (4/23).

So, now for your reading pleasure, I give you, "Proposing a 'Swift' and Pretty Decent Proposal: The Version They Won't Let You Read In The Newspaper, Uncut, UnCENSORED, and a little bit Unoriginal (Oops!)"

Nathan McWherter

Copy Editor and Satirist

     It is a melancholy object to those, who walk through our great school to find students of all years lying along the sidewalk, tired and worn out from the long trek across campus. After all, the legs of these great youth can only take so much; and I mean, look at the size of this campus!

     It is in light of these atrocities that I humbly propose a pretty decent proposal: that all members of the student body be given their own golf cart in order to relieve them of the tedious walk around school.

     The continuous trauma sustained by the legs during walks, I am told, has unhealthy side effects that include fatigue, aches, and perspiration. Students are stressed and overworked, and adding to this load is unconstitutional at best.

     Golf carts are nice, cushy devices that will relieve this strain. Many may see this as lazy, unnecessary, and an overall inconvenience to those who are forced to enjoy the natural recreation of walking. This is not the case however, as it is a necessity to basic human function.

     The difficulty is that the school is not built for this, thus many students will have to drive in circles and maneuver around pillars in order to get a simple ten feet away. This may take hours and could cause many students to be late, but it is a necessary evil in preserving the well being of our extremities.

     A great advantage to this proposal, however, is the possibility of circling the school parking lot and smoking. This could be misconstrued as unhealthy and against school policy, however the occupation is extremely relaxing and worth further reflection.

     As well, there can be no more glorious a sound than that of a golf cart backing up. I, in fact, have this repetitive and divinely inspired harmonic as my ringtone. I also propose that Dr. Cho create a nine-part golf cart ensemble, strictly to spread the joy found in this mechanical tone.

     Nevertheless, there are many drawbacks that need be taken into account. For instance, as with the rest of the world, rush hour will be a problem, especially in regards to the commute to chapel. We may have to build a freeway across the campus to accommodate this inconvenience. However, an acceptable solution to this problem would be the addition of a carpool lane (making the campus more green, and garnering the North West’s respect). When looking at a golf cart there are many additional areas that can sustain human weight. Of course the passenger seat would be the first choice but others may include (but are not limited to) the back bumper, the front bumper, the side rail, and of course the roof. I myself have seen each of these locations utilized around our beautiful campus.

     In addition, a parking structure may be in order to provide space for all the parked golf carts. This will call for an increase in the amount of zealous, passionate Security guards working very hard to secure our vehicles. Nonetheless, it is obvious to see they will be forced to walk, since the increase in golf cart activity will decrease the possibility of Security-golf-cart-usage. Also, as mentioned before, with the addition of a golf cart parking structure we can be sure to see much more of everyone’s favorite sport, Operations’ Native-American-Inspired-Smoke-Signal-Polo. Yeah, I know, I am excited, too.

     I regret to report that there is a minute snag to this proposal. From several reports I have read, and after numerous interviews with leading physicists, there appears to be an eventual deterioration of the leg tendons due to excessive golf cart use (in spite of the health benefits linked to smoking). My sources report that this is, of course, not due to the infrequent use of the leg muscles (as many would have you believe), but rather a rare radiation produced by the golf cart motor. Despite this frightening degeneration, scientist’s report that continued and over-use of the legs will in fact destroy the leg muscles and tendons at a much faster rate.

     I regret, yet again, that this proposal will create a nuisance to Operations and Security as they travel across our handsome school. I mean, look at the size of this campus! However, I feel that their sacrifice in this time is necessary in preserving the legs of our youth. They can walk after all.

     I admit though, in the sincerity of my heart, that if even given such a golf cart to journey with back and forth, I would decline to use such vehicle as I enjoy long walks and what others may see as “unhealthy” exercise.

Well? Comments? Agreements? Laughters?

"Proposing a 'Swift' and Pretty Decent Proposal"

(Article to come two weeks from today. In which case, on that day, this post shall be deleted as it will no longer be necessary. Sorry for the inconvenience, and heartache over a post on this blog being deleted)

To clarify, this post is to fill for the posting of my upcoming opinion piece that I am very excited about.

I have recently become enthralled by Jonathan Swift's satirical essay entitled "A Modest Proposal." So much so that I have determined to write my own satire piece (published in our fair Hope International Tribune two weeks from today) in the vein of Swift's humor and intelligence.

I accept that I shall be a mere pebble in the shadow of a monolith, though I pray to God a pretty pebble at that.

To prepare for the greatest opinion piece I shall write whilst a member of the newspaper staff* I have posted a link to Swift's essay.

Be forewarned:

- it was written in 1729 in Ireland so the spelling and sentence structure is a bit different

- it is 6 pages long when typed into Word (single spaced, 12 point, Times New Roman), that's a 12 page exegetical paper roughly

- it is meant to critique the proposals made to solve the economic crises of the time (sound familiar?) and possibly the over population issues they were dealing with

- it is completely and undeniably ridiculous in all the points it makes

- it is very long winded, though this was the style of the time, it also increases the hilarity since his sarcastic proposal is so deep and intricate

- it uses harsh language such as vermin, filth, and famine

In addition, if you do not like 18th century literature or do not wish to read that much (I would implore you to rethink this since the essay is nothing short of utter, divine, satirical glory), please enjoy many other such literary pieces that may be a bit more modern.

Some acceptable replacements may be McSweeney's or The Onion.

An example of a great article from both may be Michael Ian Black's piece on eating babies (very similar to Swift's) and that bit about the Pope, abortion, fornication, and self-gratification.

Also I'm sure you can see that I found the link button. I'm a bit trigger-happy.

In conclusion: satire rules, and no one likes babies.

*This assumes that my "French Fries...I Mean C'mon!" article will be good, but not great; it also creates a loophole for any opinion piece I write in the coming years as a freelance; and assumes (as in ass-out-of-you-and-me) that you even care about anything I write (reading my blog does not prove that to me). Also, this does not imply that "Nerd is the New Cool" was not a great article, simply that a satirical article eclipses one about nerdom, however incredible all things nerd may be.

And the Wow-Way-to-Be-a-Cliche Award goes to...

Christopher Robin Ogden

For his undying, unnerving, and generally unimpressive Jack Sparrow impression. As well as his predictable Australian accent. And yes, that is his full name.

Virtues and Fairytales...yet "Sexy"

So Kelsey Dettman text me yesterday and asked me what I was doing tomorrow (that is today) and Sunday (that is tomorrow). I said I was free most of both days. She asked me if I would be willing to "star in an awesome video that would make me the most famous person in library videos" (not her words, but doesn't that make it sound awesome?). Anyway, so I said yes.

And actually right now we're filming. I'm on my computer sitting here listening to Kelse as she explains what the video is.

It's actually really funny. She described it as "a library psa that is like a beer commercial without the beer" (those are her words, c'mon you think I could make that up?).

So the premise is that I am an "inadequate" library patron who can't find "full text articles" online, and Bethany and Angie are "sexy" (notice the quotes, haha. No I like them, kinda ;) ) librarians who laugh at me for my "inadequacy." Then a voice from above explains to me how to find "full text articles." Then both "sexy" librarians are impressed with my "full text article" and come over pulling their hair down and looking like beer commercial girls and start to "flirt" with me. I then look up at where the voice came from and mouth "thank you."

So yeah. That's what's going on literally at this moment. In fact, here's what I wrote, verbatim while we were testing my fingers typing:

"This is really cool. I’m sitting here in the International Business Office shooting a video for Kelsey’s project that is about library This is really bad grammar eveyrhting that I am writing and Kelse says I should put this in my blog. I should! That’d be awesome! Now she’s filming above my hands and it’s weird because I don’t like my hands."

That's a direct copy of what I wrote, hence everything being spelled bad. Andie don't make fun of me, I know there are grammatical problems with that section.

Anyway the only reason that I even posted this is because Kelse joked that I should be blogging while we're filming. So I am. I might attach a link to the actual video once it's done, just so anyone who read this and cared can see it. I think it's going to turn out to be pretty funny.

BTW the "full text articles" is in fact to be a penis reference. I realize that by saying penis I have made my blog explicit (ha! Yeah, no). So yes, as a clarification, "full text articles" = penis.